Survivor Story: Confronting Victim Blaming
June 18, 2024
I’m not sure I remember exactly what happened that night, or how the weeks following decayed under my fingertips. The only clear picture that kept me awake was knowing that he resided hours across the state, and had deleted me off of social media. It was over.
For better or worse, I would never see or hear from him again. It meant he couldn’t ruin any other aspect of my life, and that he had gotten away with everything he wanted. In the days that followed, a mantra echoed in my head, “You let him.”
It was as though I had been an accomplice in my own murder. I believed it to be that way. Because as days turned to weeks, which melted into months, the voice wouldn’t leave. Everytime I looked in the mirror, or laid awake at night, or was left to myself, I’d hear, “Why did you let him?”
I would try to reason with myself, a part of me knew what I was thinking wasn’t true. I knew that voice wasn’t me. It wasn’t how I thought or what I felt, but I wondered if perhaps it was the voice of reason. Or maybe the voice of society, what they would ask if I ever shared what happened.
The more I thought about where the voice was coming from, the more my confidence faltered. Maybe it wasn’t coming from anywhere. Maybe it was me. Maybe I knew deep down it was true, I had let him.
I let him take me out and buy me $40 flowers. I let him be condescending and shifty. I let him listen to me say, “I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want you to think that’s gonna happen.” And let him reply with a laugh. I let him change the topic. Not once or twice, but three times.
I had let him come into my house and pet my dog. Let him light up a bowl for the two of us.
Had I let him assault me?
Well, It’s been nearly six months and I can tell you and myself with certainty, no. No, I did not let him abuse me, and no, it is not possible for one to ever “let” themselves be sexually or domestically abused. And I promise if you’re scared that you’re the exception, you aren’t. Let me tell you why.
Part 1: Victim Blaming
Before I begin, I think we should start by defining this phrase, “Victim Blaming.” The term originates from the book Blaming the Victim by William Ryan. In this book, Ryan defines victim blaming as, ‘the transference of blame from the perpetrator of a crime to the victim-survivor, who is held entirely or partially to blame for the harm they suffered’.
Now with a clear definition, I begin to ask myself why anyone would choose to take the accountability away from the abuser and put it onto the survivor. At first glance it seems like a no-brainer, it seems like only immoral or uneducated people would blame the person who is hurt. But, clearly this isn’t true. When we look around the world, we see a constant flow of attacks to survivors. “What were you wearing?” “Clearly you were giving him mixed signals,” or “Why would you put yourself in that position?”
It is important to bring accountability back to where it belongs: on abusers. Perpetrators are the main beneficiaries of victim blaming, because when society picks apart a victim in the name of “goodness,” the abuser often gets lost in conversation, and eventually let off the hook. But, unfortunately, these attacks aren’t just from perpetrators or men, we can see this accusatory language being used globally and constantly. And sometimes, like in my case, we can find the victim blaming themselves. So why? Where does this come from?
Part 2: The “Just-World Bias”
The “just-world bias” comes from the idea that bad things happen to bad people, and that good people will be rewarded for their goodness. The human brain craves predictability, and because of this we like to think that our behavior in the present defines our outcome for the future. Victim blaming and the just-world bias go hand in hand because humans don’t want to believe that bad things happen to innocent people.
By claiming that a survivor did something wrong or did bad things, it makes it easier to process what happened. It gives other people a sense of security. In many people’s minds, victim blaming reaffirms that bad things won’t happen to them, that if they do or don’t do certain things that the victim did, they won’t face the same abuse. For example, my mother always told me to pretend that I was talking on the phone with her if I was walking alone and felt uncomfortable. Similarly, I often see trends online telling women to check under their cars before they get in or to walk through parking lots with your keys through your fingers. It’s not to say that doing that wouldn’t work to fend off an attacker, but a majority of assaults happen from someone that the victim knows. Sexual and domestic assault is so much more complex than the media attempts to portray it as.
It’s a similar mindset that leads victims to blame themselves for wrong that has happened. If we can find something that is wrong with our behavior, that makes it something we can change. By having something to change, it feels like putting power back into the victim’s hands. It makes it so the victim can think, “If I change this, the abuse won’t happen again.” But the reality is, no matter what we do, even if we take all the “right” steps that are laid out to protect ourselves, we can still experience violence. We can tell ourselves, “If this ever happens to me, I’ll run. I’ll scream. I’ll fight,” but when we actually experience trauma, we don’t usually have much of a say in how our body reacts as we automatically go into survival mode.
In short, victim blaming stems from fear, and the hope that we can prevent bad things from happening to us, and because perpetrators know that their violence can continue if they take the blame away from themselves, which victim blaming actively supports. This is why it is wildly important to put the blame and accountability back onto abusers. Also, victim blaming doesn’t only exist in the context of sexual or physical abuse. We can find victim blaming in discussions of homelessness, robbery, racism, homophobia, and more.
Part 3: The Perfect Victim
The myth of “the perfect victim” is a product of victim blaming and patriarchal ideologies. According to Dr. Jason B. Whiting, the perfect victim is someone who is weak or vulnerable and “involved in a respectable activity at the time of victimization.” Therefore, the victim must be “blameless in all aspects of the interaction” with their offender, who is a stranger to them.
The perfect victim is the victim who can’t be blamed. And every other victim is one who can. The perfect victim is White, cisgender, feminine, respectable, modest, virgin, rich, etc. And in turn, the perfect perpetrator is a Black man without friends and family, he’s poor and in & out of jail, and he has repeatedly made “immoral” choices. These misconceptions are in direct contrast to two important statistics. The first being that Indigenous women experience the highest rates of sexual violence (CDC, 2024). The second fact being that only 16.1% of people incarcerated for sexual abuse crimes in the U.S. are Black, whereas 57.5% are White (United States Sentencing Commission, 2021). The perfect victim and the perfect perpetrator are nonexistent. The idea of them stems from racism and homophobia. It also reaffirms the idea that survivors need to act a certain way to deserve justice and empathy. Finally, the less traits a survivor has in common with “the perfect victim,” the less their story is validated by society, which brings us to our next idea.
Part 4: Intersectionality
Intersectionality comes from the recognition that everyone has their own lived experiences in the world, especially of discrimination and oppression. This idea recognizes all the different ways one could be marginalized. Some of the ways include race, gender, sexuality, class, education, and physical ability. Specifically, intersectionality shows how these different forms of marginalization can overlap and create unique forms of oppression, and how barriers can come up that are specific to one’s identity.
Intersectionality is an important part of the discussion about sexual violence because all of these different factors contribute to the likelyhood of a survivor going to the police, being believed, and getting justice.
Are you more likely to believe the story of a rich White woman who is a professor at a local college, or a male immigrant who is currently job searching? Why? How do you think law enforcement would react to the different situations? Or society?
The important idea that intersectionality brings to our attention is that not all survivors are treated equally.
Part 5: Conclusion
The point of bringing these big ideas to attention is to remind the world and survivors all over that you are not to blame. There is a large population of the world that is fighting against survivors getting justice. There are perpetrators of violence in very high places pushing to silence survivors. The patriarchy is relying on survivors’ self doubt to keep perpetrators safe.
But I don’t want these ideas to set anyone back. There is hope. There is light at the end of the tunnel. There are survivors globally fighting for your rights and your justice. I am proud to be one of them.
The intention of sharing my story is to remind anyone in a similar position as I was that blaming yourself is normal but does not reflect the reality of the situation. There is nothing anyone could do to deserve, “ask for,” or allow their abuse.
Part 6: My story
Earlier I began to tell part of my story. I told you about the doubt and fear that I faced. But what is far more important to me is how I got past that. How I found peace.
During the past year, and during my assault, I worked at Atria Collective. Atria Collective is a non-profit working to support survivors of sexual and domestic abuse. While working there, I facilitated a youth board and taught in schools, among other things. I’d like to say that because of this work I was able to avoid victim blaming, but as I’ve said, that wasn’t the case.
Honestly, a part of the reason I blamed myself was because I worked there. I would think to myself, “If anyone should know better, it should be you.” Or, “How can you possibly support other people when you can’t support yourself?” I suppose it was a vicious cycle but amidst it all there would be young girls at work and in schools that would come up to me and ask questions. Not just about sexual assault, but about relationships and their bodies. And soon it wasn’t just young girls but also people my age, classmates and friends, coming to me for advice.
As all of this began to unfold I had three realizations.
No one thought of me any less after what happened.
I would never say what I was saying to myself to these girls.
I wasn’t alone in my confusion.
I think the third one was the most important for me. As cliche as it sounds, I wasn’t alone. No one is alone. And not just in the experience of being a survivor, but being a wildly lost, confused, and self-doubting survivor. Once I realized that I wasn’t alone in my insecurity, I began to notice that perhaps my insecurities weren’t coming from an “all-knowing voice within,” but more likely from a society that is profiting off survivors feeling alone.
In a world of violence, sexism, and racism, I believe it is a profoundly rebellious and feminist act to say to yourself, “I am not alone.” Because it’s true. Because you aren’t.
You are not alone.
by a youth intern at Atria Collective
Works Cited:
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “About Sexual Violence.” 23 Jan. 2024.
https://www.cdc.gov/sexual-violence/about/index.html
Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery. Pandora, 1992.
Machray, Kim. “The “Perfect Victim” Myth.” Empoword Journalism, 20 Oct. 2023, www.empowordjournalism.com/all-articles/the-perfect-victim-myth/#:~:text=The%20perfect%20victim%2C%20according%20to. Accessed 26 May 2024.
Mchardy, Catriona, and Cathy Plourde. Making out like a Virgin. PORTLYN MEDIA, 30 June 2020.
Morin, Amy. “Why Victims of Sexual Assault Get Blamed.” Verywell Mind, 27 Nov. 2023, www.verywellmind.com/sexual-assault-and-victim-blaming-4802707#:~:text=In%20some%20cases%2C%20they%20too. Accessed 26 May 2024.
Resnick, Ariane. “What Is Rape Trauma Syndrome?” Verywell Mind, 26 Sept. 2021, www.verywellmind.com/what-is-rape-trauma-syndrome-5199374.
Rowe, Amanda. “Ending Victim Blaming in the Context of Violence against Women and Girls. Why Language, Attitudes, and Behaviours Matter. 2.” Feb. 2024.
“Sexual Violence and Intersectionality.” Center for the Study of Women, 13 Feb. 2024, csw.ucla.edu/research/sexual-violence-and-intersectionality/.
Szalavitz, Maia. “Why We’re Psychologically Hardwired to Blame the Victim.” The Guardian, The Guardian, 30 Sept. 2018, www.theguardian.com/us-news/2018/feb/27/victim-blaming-science-behind-psychology-research.
United States Sentencing Commission, FY 2017 through FY 2021 Datafiles, USSCFY17-USSCFY21.
Zipursky, Alisa. Healing Honestly. Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2023.
Atria Collective, www.atriavt.org/home-temp. Accessed 26 May 2024.